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*Ce faci atunci când ești ziarist și dai rău de tot cu bâta-n baltă? În mod normal, ieși frumos la rampă, îți dai două palme, le spui cititorilor că ai luat șpeiș, fiindcă l-ai confundat cu un Kent 10 lung, din greșeală, și încerci un damage control, așa, cât de cât, iar dacă nu-ți iese, mergi pe stradă vreo două luni numai cu o pungă de McDonalds pe cap, să nu te recunoască nimeni. Dar cum la noi nimic nu e normal, când ziariștii greșesc nu doar că nu încearcă să minimalizeze pagubele, ci se scufundă și mai rău în rahat, prin tot felul de justificări penibile. Bunăoară, fătuca proțăpită în fruntea revistei cu multe poze Viva, în loc să tacă și să păstreze misterul în privința întrebării: „E bătută-n cap sau e doar fraieră?”, se apucă să vorbească și risipește orice dubiu, într-un interviu înjghebat în grabă, că așa a auzit ea că se face, la case mai mari. Mai întâi, spune că apariția acestui pictorial a fost necesară, deoarece servea unui interes public – că așa zice manualul de jurnalism – anume să afle tot boborul dacă e gravidă sau nu Udrea. Că asta-l arde acum pe românaș la pipotă: nu faptul că s-au scumpit toate, nu faptul că pesta porcină o să ne facă vegetarieni de Crăciun, nu faptul că Tuta absoluta (și ăilalți din guvern) face ravagii, ci dacă e sau nu Nuțica embarasada. Pe urmă, donșoara de la Viva ne zice că a început demersurile pentru interviu încă din 17 februarie, când Elena Udrea a fluturat prima dată testul de sarcină și când „nu avea o condamnare la închisoare, aspect cu care noi ne confruntăm în prezent.” Ba pardon, fata tatii, atunci Nuțica avea deja o condamnare, din 17 martie 2017, doar că nu era definitivă, dar de mers la pușcărie știa că merge, că de-aia s-a și tirat în Costa Rica, așa că pe-asta cu mironosița neprihănită și fără perspective de Târgșor zi-le-o cititorilor tăi de poze, nu ălora care mai citesc și cuvinte! Pe urmă, fătuca mai afirmă că ei, la Viva, nu se feresc de termenul „fugar”. Nu se feresc, dar nu-l folosesc nici de-ai naibii când vorbesc despre Udrea, deși asta ar fi prima caracterizare a fufei: fugară. Dar cel mai mult m-a distrat faza de final de interviu, când e întrebată de autenticitatea fotografiilor: „Sincer, da. Pentru că am prevăzut că va fi un subiect care va stârni foarte multe controverse. Chiar în ziua în care le-am primit am solicitat echipei noastre interne să găsim doi specialiști în editare foto care să privească aceste fotografii și să ne spună clar dacă nu sunt un trucaj. După ce am primit și ok-ul lor, atunci ne-am dat seama că avem subiectul.” Cine te-a uns, mămică, redactor-șef, că și chioșcarii care vând ziare au mai multe legături cu presa decât tine?! Cum adică, fată, voi verificați dacă e Udrea borțoasă întrebând detepiștii din redacție? De medici n-ați auzit? Păi dacă e pe de-astea și-aveți așa mari specialiști, o să vă trimit și eu o prietenă de familie, graviduță, să o consulte ăia și să-i spună dacă e fătul bine poziționat și cam când naște – la ce să mai dea o târlă de bani la ginecologi?

*Și cum bine s-a zis, „un zărghit aruncă o piatră în lac și zece înțelepți se chinuie să o scoată”, n-a apucat fătuca de la Viva să dea cu piatra-n lac, că salvamarul Tolontan deja plonja s-o recupereze și, odată cu piatra, și onoarea nereperată a breslei jurnalistice. Cavaler cum îl știm, Tolo a sărit în apărarea colegei de trust, zicând că e perfect justificat demersul Viva și că orice jurnalist la fel ar fi făcut, să nu ne mai oripilăm atâta. Nu știu dacă faza cu sindromul Stockholm e valabil și la ziariști, dar parcă acolo aș încadra cazul: păi bine, mă, Tolo, tu te chinui să o bagi pe penala de Udrea la zdup, aia te amenință în față, ca ultima mafioată, îți promite că te face, că are oameni, că e mare și tare-n țara asta, și acum tu ții partea unor tăntălăi care-i fac jocul panaramei, prezentând-o drept mămica neprihănită, forțată să-și nască & crească copilașul departe de țărâna strămoșească din Pleșcoi, care nici măcar sub manichiura french nu i-a mai rămas? Înțeleg că ești solidar cu colegii de trust, că păpați cu toții o pâine de la Ringier, dar asta nu înseamnă să le ții partea necondiționat. Recunoaște și tu că toată povestea e o măgărie cap-coadă, care n-are nicio legătură cu jurnalismul. Nu zic să fi trimis o echipă de ginecologi în Costa Rica, dar n-ați avut bani să trimiteți nici măcar un pozar, mă, să-i facă tutei poze la burtă? Ți se pare firesc, bre, deontologule, să-ți livreze Udrea niște poze la plic, servite, și tu să le bagi în revistă? Și bun, le bagi, dar ce scrii lângă ele? Scrii adevărul, că de-aia ești jurnalist, zici că parașuta fuge de justiție și că e o pușcăriașă în devenire, nu că e mimoza mimozelor și trăiește, sărmana de ea, în exil, ca Regele Mihai. Iar comparația pe care o faci, cu Stalin apărut pe coperta revistei Time, în 1940, e grosolană rău, bre, Tolo, e ca și cum ai compara curcile cu dinozaurii, pe considerentul că amândouă speciile aveau inițial dinți minusculi în gură. Da, ăia de la Time l-au pus pe Stalin pe copertă, dar au scris în articol și de epurări, și de foametea din Ucraina, și de toate crimele comise de diliman. De Udrea ai citit tu nasoale în Viva? N-ai citit, au prezentat-o ăia de zici că-i Maica Precistă, păi vezi? Și mie nu de faptul că a apărut Udrea pe copertă mi-e teamă, ci de faptul că mâine-poimâine o să vă apucați acolo, la Ringier, să-l faceți pe Dragnea „omul anului” și tot așa o să vă justificați: dar ce, Stalin n-a apărut și el în Time? Și ăla avea mustața și mai mare!

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