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*Așa cum ne-a amenințat, Cozmin Gușă a devenit aseară primul mogul de televiziune din istorie care este și moderator – probabil că și Dan Voiculescu ar fi râvnit la titlul ăsta, dar nu i-au permis ăia de la Protecția Mediului, vă dați seama ce poluare cu hidrogen sulfurat era non-stop la Antena 3 dacă-l țineau pe Varan acolo? Gușă, în schimb, n-are probleme cu flatulența decât așa, la figurat, așa că și-a permis să facă emisiune la Realitatea TV, cu invitați pe măsură: Dan Andronic, Hoandră și Ion Ioniță, un ziarist cumsecade, care cred că a nimerit greșit pe-acolo, el probabil voia doar să meargă la toaletă.

Ca tacâmul să fie complet, la o asemenea paranghelie cu hoandre, Gușă a chemat în studio și taraful Corneliei Catanga, celebra guristă de of-of și aoleo. A fost o emisiune care a bătut la fundul gol, fără discuție, orice paranghelie realizată de Gherghe, Mădălin Ionescu sau Măruță, îmbinând maneaua cu politica într-un mod inedit. După o uvertură mai tare decât tot ce-au creat Verdi sau Wagner – „Prima emisiuneee! Cel mai mare boss, se știeeee! Domnul Cozmin Gușăăăă!”, Catanga a început să cânte, sub privirile gurnaliștilor prezenți, numai melodii cu ștaif, parcă anume alese pentru diverse personalități. Așa, de pildă, am recunoscut o dedicație subtilă pentru mogulul Ghiță de la Belgrad: „Haida, haida, haida, ha/Săruta-ți-aș gurița/Și buzele micșunele/Să muște neica din ele” – unde în loc de „neica” puteți citi „Gușă” sau „Andronic”, că e același lucru.

Au existat dedicații și pentru cuplul de jăpcari Vâlcov-Teodorovici – „Lume, vreau să mă petrec/Nu mai strâng banii la CEC”, și încă una, subtilă de tot, pentru pițipoanca lui Dragnea: „Să te duci la mă-ta știrbă!” Evident, nu putea solista să spună „la tac-to”, că se șucărea Gușă pe ea, zicea că-i antipesedistă, că bagă strâmbe, apropouri la vârsta lui Dragnea, respectiv a Irinucăi, așa că a zis cu „mă-ta”. E totuși suficient să te uiți în gura cariatului ca să-ți dai seama că la el era referirea, mai știți pe vreun cu dinți rari în politica mioritică? Catanga n-a uitat nici de gazdă așa că, prolifică și inventivă cum o știm, i-a făcut la minut o dedicație și patronului: „Foaie verde de mohor/Marele moderator/Are deschisă orice ușă/Unul este Cozmin Gușă!” Se știeee! Nu mai nicio îndoială, emisiunea a fost un succes și mă aștept ca săptămâna viitoare Gușă să-l cheme pe paronimul său, Guță, să bage și ăla ceva dedicații, gen „Buzunarul meu vorbește/orice limbă își dorește”, iar în celelalte săptămâni să fie chemați și restul cantautorilor: Adi Minune, Vali Vijelie, Florin Salam, care să cânte și ei manele politice cu Gușă, despre bani, dușmani, valoare și guriști sau gușiști. Singurul lucru care nu mi-a plăcut a fost că nici Gușă, nici Andronic, nici celelalte hoandre, n-au lipit sutele pe fruntea largă, disponibilă, a Catangăi. Păi, bine, mă, chitrelor, așa se face? Cântă femeia cu patimă, să-și dea duhul în platou și alta nu, iar voi să n-o răsplătiți cu nimic? Ce paranghelie e aia? Așa că vedeți, data viitoare când mai invitați vreun gurist să vă cânte, vorbiți în prealabil cu Ghiță sau cu Duamna Udrea să vă trimită și ei din țările calde niște cash, să aveți cu ce cinsti masa, da?

*Și, fiindcă e sâmbătă, haideți să nu ne mai mirăm cât de ticăloși pot fi unii gurnaliști, ci să ne amuzăm de cât de proști pot fi alții. Evenimentul zilei de azi titrează, cu litere de-o șchioapă: „INCREDIBIL. Helmuth Duckadam a venit fără o ureche într-un studio de televiziune”. Când am citit titlul, am zis că nu văd bine. Frate, s-o fi apucat omul de pictat și a zis să înceapă prin a-și tăia urechea, mi-am zis. Curios, am intrat pe text și ce să vezi? Nici vorbă ca Duckadam să-și fi tăiat urechea, ci doar a venit cu ea acoperită cu leucoplast. După cum se știe, portarul de la Sevilla afirmase că, dacă se va face transferul lui Mitriță de la Craiova la New York City, el își taie o ureche. Dar Duckadam a precizat, lucru consemnat și de scribălăul care a dat titlul: „Nu a fost dureros, deoarece încă nu am tăiat-o. O tăiem în momentul în care Mitriţă semnează. Eu chiar nu am crezut că se va realiza acest transfer. E cel mai spectaculos transfer de anul acesta, e peste transferul lui Stanciu”. Ei, și dacă nu și-a tăiat urechea, domnule gurnalist, matale de ce ai scris că și-a tăiat-o? Rușinică, bre, asta nu e presă, e minciună în falș, cum ar fi zis cineva. Dacă vreți să fiți ziariști, dați lucruri credibile, verificabile, uite de pildă puteți să scrieți: „INCREDIBIL! Un scârța-scârța pe hârtie de la Evenimentul zilei a venit la redacție fără mâini. Nici n-avea nevoie, pentru că el oricum scrie cu curul!”

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