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*Când mă uit la sarmalagiul angajat pe bănișorii noștri la TVR1, să facă toaleta mogulilor și să dea în dușmanii poporului, am impresia că văd o piesă de Caragiale, transpusă în decor modern. Dacă vine în emisiunea lui, România9, vreun grangure de la Partid ori vreun ministru cu patru clase, Cristache e ca apa: ia forma vasului (nu neapărat de veceu, gândiți-vă la orice vas) în care e pus și învârte niște limbi în urechea invitatului de zici că-i turbina principală de la Porțile de Fier 2. Dacă vine însă careva din Opoziție, Cristachele își ia colții ăia mari, ca-n Tom și Jerry, ca să muște cât mai vârtos. Așa a făcut, de pildă, în emisiunea de ieri, în care i-a avut drept invitați pe Dan Barna și Dacian Cioloș. Înțeleg că ziariștii trebuie să fie colțoși, să pună întrebări acide, dar ce-a făcut Sărmăluță a fost trolling la greu, doar-doar l-or observa stăpânii ce bine combate la soroșiști și i-or mai da și lui de-o ciorbă.

Nici n-au apucat invitații să înceapă să spună că țara e într-o situație dificilă, din cauza unuia ca Dragnea, că Sărmăluță s-a și ofuscat: „Aaa, vă rog, vă rog, fără discursul urii! Nu mai incitați, ce tot aveți cu Dragnea, vorbiți despre ce vreți dumneavoastră să faceți, nu despre ce a făcut Dragnea!” Au încercat oamenii să-i explice că nu fac atac la persoană, nici nu incită la ură, ci doar critică niște stări de fapt, nimic! Era Cristache de neclinit… Și te gândești că, de cum vine un pesedist în studio, vreun lache flaușat, vreun gland decalotat, vreun mitralieră expandat, și încep să verse găleți cu ură, Sărmăluță stă cuminte ca un cățel de la circ așteptând bonbonul și nu zice nici pâs! Dar să mergem mai departe și să vedem ce vrăjeli a mai făcut sarmaua mea, eufemistic vorbind. Se apucă Barna să spună că alianța USR++ vrea să coalizeze Opoziția, că unitate, că alea-alea, iarăși se trezește moderatorul că nu-i convine. Și, ca să semnalizeze cât e de prost, începe să debiteze: „Pe partea stângă se află PSD, se află ALDE, se află Pro-România, în vreme ce partea dreaptă e fărâmițată – e PNL, e USR, e PLUS…” Adică, tot atâtea – motiv pentru care pe Cioloș îl pufnește râsul: „Domnule Cristache, tocmai ce-ați spus – stânga e la fel de fărâmițată ca și dreapta, de ce ziceți că numai dreapta este?”

A, nu așa, Daciane, nu așa… Cu lingăi din ăștia profi nu te porți cu mănuși, că ei nu pricep. Ca să fii sigur că înțelege și sarmalagiul ceva, trebuia să-i zici, ca Adi Despot: „Băi epilatu vieții, câte partide de stânga tocmai ai pomenit? Trei! Și de dreapta câte sunt? Tot trei, în plm!” La un moment dat, cum nu dăduse cu limbuțele decât spre șăfu Dragnea, prezentatorul s-a simțit dator să trimită niște bezele și Veoricii și, când invitații au început să critice prestația miniștrilor români la Bruxelles, cu cormoranii, cu piscinele, cu tot tacâmul, el a avut o obiecție: „Ei, acum asta e… Cât timp n-au aflat europenii nimic rău despre România, tot e bine!” Adică nu contează că alde Daea și restul troglodiților ne fac de cacao pe la Bruxelles, imaginea României tot grozavă e, să fie bine, ca să nu fie rău.” Și, pentru că i s-a părut, probabil, că n-a fost suficient de ticălos și de troll, spre finalul emisiunii Cristache i-a întrebat pe cei doi invitați dacă alianța lor are candidat la președinție. „Deocamdată, noi ne concentrăm atenția pe europarlamentare”, a grăit, molcom, Cioloș, iar prezentatorul l-a catalogat imediat: „Am înțeles, evitați răspunsul.” „Domnule Cristache, nu evit niciun răspuns, doar că luăm pe rând lucrurile, vom vorbi despre președinție mai încolo.” Dar ce mai conta, că Sărmăluță deja se lămurise: Cioloș vrea să destrame dreapta. Și, ca să fie clar că Cioloș este rivalul lui Iohannis și vrea să dezbine electoratul, a început să-l întrebe despre președinte, la foc automat: „În ce relații vă aflați cu domnul Iohannis? Când v-ați văzut ultima oară? Despre ce ați discutat? Aloo, metrousexualule, mai încet, neică! Pune întrebări cum ar face-o un jurnalist, nu cum ar fi făcut-o procurorul sovietic Vîșinski dacă avea în față un culac care ascundea porumb sau un deviaționist de dreapta. Că dacă e pe de-astea, te întreb și eu, de la obraz: „Când l-ai văzut ultima oară pe tac-to Voiculescu, despre ce ați vorbit și mai ales – iar aici vreau un răspuns sincer, te rog! – alea care există între voi sunt „relații” sau „felații?”

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