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*Dacă se întâmplă vreodată să mâncați ciuperci otrăvite și nu aveți vreun vomitiv la îndemână, nu intrați în panică: deschideți repede pagina de Internet a Evenimentului zilei și citiți un editorial semnat Ion Cristoiu. O să vărsați instantaneu, în mod garantat. De pildă, puteți să încercați cu ăsta: ”Cu sprijinul lui Iohannis, mai multe grupări mafiote au smuls o bucată din teritoriul deținut până acum în exclusivitate de Gruparea Dragnea.” Ce poate să scrie acolo fostul tovarăș de nădejde de la Scânteia tineretului e noaptea minții, ia fiți atenți: ”Două ministrese de anvergură din guvernul Tudose sunt convocate la DNA. Prin asta, potrivit unei tradiții TeFeListe, cele două au devenit peste noapte din persoane onorabile niște penale. Spre deosebire de alte persoane înhățate de DNA, cele două au o imagine publică pe deplin străină de suspiciunea de corupție. Sevil Shhaideh are faima unei excepționale funcționare de stat. N-a fost subiectul niciunei afaceri de cancan, nu și-a afișat luxul, nu știm dacă e bogată sau nu. O imagine excepțională are și Rovana Plumb. Între liderii PSD, Rovana Plumb trece drept o femeie politician elegantă, modernă, europeană. Nu-și afișează luxul.” Ei, ce v-am zis? Este că deja ați dat fuga după o lămâie, că v-a luat greața? Carevasăzică, duduia Servila, om de bază în clanul Mazăre și apoi fată-n casă a lui Dragnea, e cinstea întruchipată, iar cucoana Rovana, care are case și limuzine de nu le mai știe numărul, nu-și afișează luxul? În opinia lui Cristoiu, DNA n-ar trebui să vină să te ia dacă furi sau dacă ții de șase pentru un hoț ca Dragnea, ci doar dacă îți etalezi luxul. Foarte tare, Maestre! Dacă știa Rovana că e pe de-astea, la pariu că punea mână de la mână cu Servila, ciordeau un vapor de croazieră pe Dunăre și-l înmatriculau în Bulgaria, pe numele Roviana Plumbuvova, iar ele veneau la guvern îmbrăcate ca vai de lume, adică așa, cam ca Cristoiu, care a fost și rămâne, vorba lui, un român rupt în fund.

*Deși joi noapte, când a așteptat cu sufletul la gură deznodământul caftelii din PSD, avea toate glumițele de șantierist la el, ulterior Mircea Badea și-a schimbat poziția, ca un bipolar cumsecade ce e și, de la manie, a trecut la depresie. Ce anume l-a determinat să se sucească astfel? Un interviu dat de noua propunere a PSD pentru ministerul Transportului, Felix Stroe, în 2015, unde acesta spunea: ”DNA joacă un rol extraordinar. Susțin DNA, total, total, total.” Asta i-a fost fatal! Când a auzit Mircică de DNA, a luat foc – știți că el nu e dresat ca alte javre, cu ”aport”, ”pază”, ”hoțul” sau chestii din astea, ci altfel, după sistemul voiculescian. De pildă, când i se dă comanda ”Băsescu, mă!”, începe să mârâie. ”Când primește comanda „Iohannis, mă!”, latră de-l dor fălcile, iar când i se ordonă: ”DNA, Codruța, șo pe ei!”, devine fiară și sfâșie tot ce prinde. Așa a pățit și-acum, săracul. Cum a văzut interviul, cum a scris, pe pagina lui de Facebook: „Am un obiectiv în viață: să cadă rahatul ăsta de guvern, iar PSD-ul să dispară în gaura de cur pe care o pupă cu atâta dedicație!” Vuvuzele, ai grijă, tati, ce-ți dorești, c-ai văzut ce-a pățit Jim Carrey în filmul ăla cu ”Dumnezeu pentru o zi”: pui un caz, se transformă rozeta lui Dragnea (că aia e pupată de toți pesediștii cu atâta dedicație) într-o gaură neagră și absoarbe tot Partidul, ceea ce n-ar fi rău. Dar ce te faci, că în ultima vreme și tu, și Gâdea, și ciuvicii, ați fost tare apropiați de PSD, deci o să vă înghită și pe voi și atunci nu rămâne neconsolată sărmana rozetă a Varanului?

*Un site smerit și care, culmea, scrie cu litere latine, deși miroase a panslavism de-ți pute nasul, activenews.ro, relatează cazul unei bătrânici din România care și-a donat agoniseala de-o viață pentru construcția Catedralei Neamului. Intitulat ”Mama Gherghina, o femeie de 93 de ani cu o pensie lunară de 500 de lei a donat 10.000 de lei pentru Catedrala Neamului”, articolul se vrea un exemplu de ”așa da, ortodocșilor”, iar comentariile la el sunt pe măsură, de zici că toată Coaliția pentru Familie a dejugat pe site. Am aflat, din text, că evlavioasa doamnă trăiește în comuna teleormăneană Saelele, nu a fost căsătorită niciodată, ține toate posturile, fuge în casă, lăsând totul, când aude că e slujbă la radio sau televizor și mănâncă o singură dată pe zi, seara. Probabil că mărinimoasa doamnă ar fi donat, creștinește, banii ăștia și pentru spitale, școli sau grădinițe, dacă ultrafericitul Daniel SRL ar fi construit așa ceva, dar, dacă el construiește catedrale, normal că i-a dat femeia la catedrală, no? Dar mie de altceva mi-e teamă: că o să vină acum un alt fiu al comunei Saelele, unul cu mustață și dinți rari, care-o să le reducă la toți românii pensiile și salariile la nivelul de 500 de lei, zicându-și că poate de-asta sunt așa porniți contra lui și de #rezistenți, că au lefurile prea mari și mai mănâncă și de trei ori pe zi, nehaliții. Nu știu dacă asta e soluția să devenim un neam de evlavioși, dar sper ca și dacă vor lucra gratis procurorii DNA să nu-l lase pe domnul din Saelele în plata Domnului!

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