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*În fiecare zi când îl citesc pe Ion Cristoiu mă întreb: omul ăsta o avea vreo limită de jos? Fiindcă pe zi ce trece devine mai obedient, mai devotat Partidului, mai implicat să răspândească toate ideile ciuce ale românilor mândri din PSD. Și cum în ultima vreme, calul de bătaie al Partidului pare a fi amestecul puterilor străine în ciorba noastră națională și „încălcarea suveranității României”, cum se spunea în Epoca de Aur, Cristoiu e tot mai patriot. Atât de patriot încât mă și mir că nu-l închiriază cu ora rusnacii de la Sputnik, să scrie și pentru ei, că prea dă bine la pifometru Uniunii Europene. În cel mai recent articol al său din Evenimentul zilei, maistrul bagă un titlu care nu prea cadrează cu anul centenar: „Un nou exercițiu de autoritate de la Bruxelles pe seama României, Proasta Europei de Est.” Aoleo, ce patriot ești matale, nea Ioane, de zici că suntem Proasta Europei? Poate ai vrut să scrii „Dăncilă – proasta Europei”, dar nu te-a lăsat Daddy? Căci România nu este și nu va fi proasta nimănui. Alții vor fi însă slugi, pentru că au suflet de slugă și se sucesc după cum bate vântul: când cu Ceaușescu, când cu Constantinescu, când cu Băsescu, când cu Dragnea. În opinia maistrului, oficialii de la Bruxells sunt niște idioți și niște aroganți, care n-au ținut seama de opinia juriștilor. Care juriști, bre? Nicolicea, care a făcut o facultate misterioasă, la foarte mare distanță de casă, dar n-a adus niciun act ca să dovedească asta? Șerbannicolae, care face dreptul ca hobby, poate, că el la bază e tinichigiu? Ciordache, inginerașul de la fabrica de mobilă din Caracal, devenit jurist la apelul bocancilor? Ăștia sunt juriștii pe care trebuia să-i asculte Parlamentul European? Dar nu asta atrage atenția la articolul lui Cristoiu, ci un alt paragraf: „Prin intrarea în UE România trebuie să se supună regulilor impuse de noua Alianță. Nu ne-a obligat nimeni să cerșim admiterea în UE. Cum nu ne obligă nimeni să rămînem în UE.” Opaaa! Dar ce avem noi aici? Un nene care se dă jurnalist și care susține, a dracului coincidență, exact același lucru pe care-l susțin și agenții de influență ai Rusiei: că România nu e musai să stea în UE, că n-avem nevoie de UE, că un RO-EXIT e tot ce ne dorim, ca să ne zugrăvim singuri. Nene Cristoiule, credeam că ești vulpe bătrână și prevezi din timp schimbarea vremii și a vremurilor. Chiar nu ți-ai dat seama că PSD-ul și-a cam trăit traiul, și-a mâncat mălaiul, și-o să cam zboare – nu tot, ci doar reprezentanții săi penali – prin țările calde? Pe când matale rămâi aici și cine te mai angajează să scrii ode, că li s-a făcut tuturor scârbă, cred că nici Băsescu nu te-ar mai lua gurist, să-i zici una de inimă albastră la GoldenȘpriț? Așa că mai subțire cu patriotismul de cumetrie pe scări, mai subțire cu pesedismul, că ți-ai mai luat o dată țeapa asta când erai la Scânteia Tineretului și te-a prins schimbarea de regim descoperit: ai văzut pe urmă de câți ani ai avut nevoie ca să devii iar mare jurnalist, inventând găina cu pui vii?

*A, și că veni vorba de ode, neapărat trebuie să citiți articolul omagial intitulat „Despre singurătatea Patriarhului Daniel”, din revista Q Magazine. O limbuială mai grețoasă n-am văzut nici pe timpul lui Ceașcă, în alea două ore de program TV. Articolul este semnat chiar de Floriana Jucan, nu de misterioasa Nora Noapte, ca săptămâna trecută, când cu osanalele închinate Veoricăi, deci duduia Floriana își asumă, de data asta, limbile. După ce parcurgi tot articolul – dacă ai ficat tare, că altfel leșini pe la jumate – rămâi cu părerea că Daniel nu e doar un afacerist și șmecher dă șmecher, pă sistem, cam ca papii din Evul Mediu, ci un sfânt pogorât printre români, să le facă ditamai catedrala și să le bată-n cap clopote pe care și-a tras selfie-uri, profitând de faptul că la Biblie scrie „să nu-ți faci chip cioplit”, dar nu zice nimic de „chip turnat.” Măi, Floriano, te pomenești că tu te-ai îndrăgostit de CEO Daniel, ca-n filmul ăla, „Pasărea spin”, că prea îl descrii ca pe bărbatul ideal pe patriarh? Ce-ți veni? Știu că ești inima zburdalnică și ai trecut de la ambasadori la gigikenți, dar vezi că PF-ul e om sfânt, ăsta n-are voie să bage sub patrafir chiar pe oricine! Sau te pomenești că oda asta i-ai scris-o doar așa, ca propunere, poate te remarcă și te zugrăvește și pe tine pe vreun perete, la catedrală? Că personaje pe care să le reprezinți, fete frumoase și virtuoase, ar fi berechete, de la Salomeea la Maria Magdalena. Oricum, Floriana dragă, crede-mă că deja mi-ai creat dependență și abia aștept să văd despre ce o să fie oda de săptămâna viitoare: despre statornicia tradițională a familistului Tăriceanu sau despre dantura de star hollywoodian a lui Dragnea?

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