Drujbă, drujbă, dar gazu-i pe bani!

1:34 pm, 15 septembrie 2011 • de 258 Comentarii

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Din patriotism pur şi dorinţa sinceră de a nu ajunge şi ţărişoara noastră în aceeaşi găleată cu Grecia, Spania, Italia şi alte ţări rău famate, guvernanţii au luat măsuri ferme să stopeze risipa, să astupe găurile de la buget şi să nu mai dea nimănui bani nemeritaţi. Şi aşa a tăiat croitoraşul cel viteaz Boc, nu cu foarfeca, ci cu coasa, că la asta chiar se pricepe, şi din pensii, şi din salarii, şi din ajutoare sociale, după care a stat puţin, să bată coasa în gură şi să se mai gândească molcom, ardeleneşte: a rămas careva netăiat? A, da: ajutoarele de încălzire! Adevărul e că, până acum, de acest ajutor beneficiau nu doar furnicuţele harnice şi sărace, ci şi o grămadă de greieri puturoşi. Era şi cazul să se pună odată capăt huzurului şi încălzirii burţilor pline pe bugetul gol al statului. Aşa că s-au luat măsuri. Nu de sicrie, ci de acordare a protecţiei sociale doar celor care o merită, pe drept. Potrivit normelor de aplicare a ordonanţei de urgenţă emise cu acest prilej, criteriile în funcţie de care românii vor mai primi bani de căldură la iarnă sunt foarte năstruşnice şi merită a fi pomenite.

Din start, au fost excluşi bogaţii cu casă de vacanţă, piscină, saună, şalupă, iaht, tractor, moară de cereale, autoutilitare, autobuze, microbuze şi cei care au la bancă mai mult de 3.000 de lei. Ar fi absurd să mai dai bani de încălzire unora care şi-aşa mor de cald, din sauna aia şi, la o adică, în caz de ger extrem, îşi pot aduna toată familia în autobuz şi se încălzesc mintenaş. Nu mai zic că posesorii de iaht pot să locuiască, iarna, prin Bahamas, că le dă mâna, de ce să le mai dea şi guvernul? Vin la rând ăia care au motociclete, scutere şi maşini cu o vechime mai mică de zece ani. Ei, aici lucrurile nu mai sunt atât de simple. Cunosc o mulţime de cetăţeni care n-au după ce bea apă, dar se fâţâie, toată ziua bună ziua, pe scutere prin comunele patriei, ţanţoşi nevoie mare, îmbrăcaţi cu maiou de tractorist&izmene şi încălţaţi cu papuci de firmă – Xian Lian, ce, asta nu e şi ea o firmă?

La fel, am văzut şoferi de hârburi aduse din străinezia care, deşi nu-s vechi de zece ani, nici la programul Rabla n-ar fi primite, că s-ar simţi jignite berlinele noastre de aşa alăturare. Cu ei ce facem, le dăm sau nu le dăm? Problema e şi cu ăia care au acasă drujbă, căci s-a introdus şi interdicţia asta: dacă ai drujbă, nu mai primeşti bani de încălzire. Bine, dar dacă ai nişte muşchi de neam prost şi un topor de două ocale, primeşti? Adică ăla cu drujbă se încălzeşte la ea ca la sobă? Mai curând aş fi zis că posesorii de drujbe ar fi trebuit să primească ajutor, doar-doar n-or mai da iama prin păduri, că frigul şi drujba formează un cocktail letal pentru sănătatea pădurii. O fi codrul frate cu românul, dar românul s-a împrietenit între timp şi cu drujba asta de provenienţă rusească şi mi-e teamă să nu o dea în fratricid şi să vedem ştirile de la ora 5 pline de copaci morţi.

Proprietarii de pământ sunt consideraţi de guvern oameni bogaţi, care nu merită bani de încălzire. Aşa că gorobeţii cu un teren mai mare de 1.000 de metri pătraţi la oraş şi de 2.000 de metri pătraţi la sat să-şi mai pună pofta în cui! Şi pe bună dreptate: aţi calculat câte bordeie îngropate, în care iarna e mai cald ca vara, se pot săpa pe un aşa teren? He, he, să fiţi voi sănătoşi, că guvernul a calculat deja: dac-ar vrea ţăranul român, ar construi pe peticul lui de pământ nu un bordei, ci un cartier întreg, ba le-ar mai putea vinde şi altora, printr-un program generos, intitulat, să zicem, „Primul bordei pe puţini lei”. Şi atunci, dacă au atâta pământ şi atâtea perspective, de ce să le dea? Ce să mai zic de cei care au livezi, vii, grădini de legume şi sere cu flori? Ăştia mai au tupeul să ceară bani de încălzire, când toată vara l-au jupuit de piele pe bietul orăşean, lăsându-l fără ultima lui protecţie în faţa gerului şi vânzându-i un amărât de ardei gras cu un leu bucata sau un trandafir inodor cu cinci lei firul? Iar posesorii de vii şi livezi ar fi chiar nesimţiţi să mai ceară vreun sfanţ: la ce producţii de trascău şi de zaibăr vor scoate, nici nu le mai trebuie gaz şi lemne, ci doar suficiente pahare prin gospodărie, şi să vezi ce-i ia cu călduri după o butelcă pântecoasă, mai fiabilă ca metanul!

În fine, distinşii domni din minister, mânca-le-aş mintea lor de intelectuali grijulii, cum se gândesc ei la toate, nu i-au trecut cu vederea nici pe proprietarii de animale. Dacă aveţi acasă patru porci, 19 oi sau capre, două vaci şi 14 familii de albine, v-aţi scos, vă încadraţi! Dar, dacă aveţi cinci porci, 20 de oi sau capre, trei vaci şi 15 familii (chiar şi una abia închegată şi încă neîntoarsă din luna de miere) de albine, v-aţi lins pe bot de ajutoare, pentru că aşa au socotit băieţii de la minister: oamenii cu 19 oi sunt săraci lipiţi, iar cei cu un miel în plus sunt bogaţi, dă-i dracu, au de unde! Şi cum de n-ar fi aşa, măi, fraţilor? Păi, n-aţi văzut că deja ţăranii noştri au început să se deştepte, de la atâţia baboi prăjiţi, şi folosesc pârţurile vitelor pe post de combustibil? Două vaci, probabil, nu produc suficient biogaz ca să încălzească o familie, a calculat tot guvernul, dar proprietarii a trei vaci deja o duc boiereşte. Nu trebuie decât să bage un furtun mai lung în funduleţul distinsei doamne vaci, s-o umfle de nutreţ şi să branşeze atelajul la sobă: o să le sară mercurul din termometre de cald!

Cei cu capre pot face ca-n bancul cu jidanul (nerecomandat nici bancul, nici jidanul): iau toată turma în casă şi să vezi ce cald o să le fie la iarnă şi ce lejer o să se simtă la vară, când or scoate copitatele înapoi în ţarc. Apicultorii n-au, nici ei, nevoie de bani de încălzire. N-au decât să tragă o duşcă de ţuică şi pe urmă să meargă la stupi, că-i încing albinele de li se umflă limba de cald! În asemenea condiţii stricte, e absolut clar că milioane de oameni, care anii trecuţi s-au bucurat şi ei la nişte milioane în plus, o să cam bage piroane la iarnă. Dar asta e, fraţilor, e criză, luaţi o treanţă pe voi, mai puneţi o plapumă, mai faceţi un copil, vă-ncălziţi, să nu muriţi de frig. Şi fiţi fericiţi, că de astă-dată şi politicienii sunt, în sfârşit, solidari cu noi. Păi, la câţi porci au ăia prin Parlament, credeţi că o să mai pupe vreunul bani de lemne?

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